urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ansharseraphim (I'm complicated) Anshar Seraphim 2007-04-26T05:32:42Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ansharseraphim:7143 2007-04-26T05:32:42Z 2007-04-26T05:32:42Z Dark Tanka<br />-by Anshar<br /><br />Ride the screaming beast<br />He wanders down your hollow<br />Stalking after you<br />Breathing clouds of fog in chase<br />Sink into him forever<br /><br />---<br /><br />Feel the knife burn you<br />I love it when you're screaming<br />Eviscerating<br />Dance for me my little bitch<br />It's time for your blood tonight<br /><br />---<br /><br />Look into my eyes<br />I have a plan for your void<br />Suffer on my cross<br />I'm going to nail you down<br />Writhe in my quixotic hell<br /><br />---<br /><br />Touch my corruption<br />Seething from every kiss<br />Reduced from ashes<br />I've waited for you alone<br />Waiting forever to love<br /><br /><br />-----------------------------------------------<br /><br /><br />Tanka and Haiku<br />-by Anshar<br /><br /><br />She's flying to me<br />She'll be landing in my arms<br />My beautiful swan.<br /><br />---<br /><br />She left a false king<br />Threw down a kingdom of lies<br />And now she's my smile<br /><br />---<br /><br />A man, divided<br />Once I walked the night to hunt<br />You've helped me find peace<br /><br />---<br /><br />Your love is a sea<br />I swim within you and smile<br />I never felt alone<br />You lift all my fins aloft<br />Make me fly in worlds below<br /><br />---<br /><br />Did you know at first<br />Like I did when I saw you<br />My angel who walks<br />And now that we've walked so far<br />You'll never need wings to fly<br /><br />---<br /><br />Your kiss sings to me<br />Like an autumn breeze through leaves<br />Rustle my branches<br />I love the way you dip me<br />It's like dancing with the wind urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ansharseraphim:6828 2007-03-23T22:52:16Z 2007-03-23T22:52:16Z The Glance<br />-Anshar<br /><br />(Meant to be Recited, not Scanned)<br /><br />twisting, like the nether of her green eyes<br />a reprieve from the calamity of the night<br />I stand, transfixed, bewitched<br />by the subtleties of each glance, each smile<br /><br />her laughter fills my ears with the echos of each grin<br />every staunched rapturous moment we spent in one another's arms<br />bleeding from the wounds of time<br />healing, mending, together, embracing, our bodies kissing<br />like a sun setting into the mountainous horizon<br /><br />we dance across the rafters of the firmament of the universe<br />waltzing over the roof of a burning reality<br />smoking, coiling, boiling, and seething with the beauty and anger of sexual perversion<br /><br />crawling over one another like a contagion<br />feverish uncertainty<br />hallucinating in the heat of our lascivious passions<br />dripping and cascading, pounding, and pulsing<br />to the rythym of the visceral symphony<br /><br />cloaked in one another's flesh, we sang out into the night sky<br /><br />each twirling, spinning star searing across a canvas of memory<br />streaking scar after scar into our heaving backs<br />slaves to romantic longing<br />we are whipped, and flagellated by the endless depths of temptation<br />yearning for the corruption of one another's kiss<br /><br />diving into sensation after sensation,<br />closing onto one another like drowsy flowers<br />devouring piece after piece of pranic delight<br />we course into one another like a bleeding river<br />mingling, churning, dipping, and dripping<br />into a lake of depravity urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ansharseraphim:6417 2007-03-23T22:51:54Z 2007-03-23T22:51:54Z She stands,<br />A Pallet of memories with paintbrush in hand<br />and tries to drag her tears across the canvas<br /><br />Each searing drop scrapes, and pleasantly drapes<br />the cloak of emotion onto the easel of her own ridicule<br /><br />-<br /><br />She stood blindly by, while he made her cry<br />and she etches that now into stone<br /><br />Inside her a heart flutters... and flies<br />but it does so away from her own<br /><br />-<br /><br />Each carved supple bone, is traced from the foam<br />of the oceans that rise and rush within her<br /><br />She stares blankly as the art self-completes<br />and steps away with mirth and ginger<br /><br />-<br /><br />and so died the man on the pedestal. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ansharseraphim:6299 2007-03-23T22:51:34Z 2007-03-23T22:51:34Z -Underneath-<br />by Anshar<br /><br />She dips and spins with tressed silk swaying from her crown<br />Every star winking, in rivulets, down<br />Across the canvas of the arctic sky<br /><br />Her skin flutters incandescent, soft like bleached lupus fur<br />Enchanted as I look at her<br />I fall, or perhaps I fly<br /><br />The downcast eyes tremble like upset titans, ready to relent and let everything fall<br />Every tear that might tumble a statuesque shrug, from a being a hundred hands tall<br /><br />So shrug, mighty Atlas<br />I will kiss away your tears<br /><br />and if I am made a minnow in the belly of your leviathan sorrow<br />I will gladly drown - and smile in the empyrean inferno urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ansharseraphim:5982 2007-03-23T22:51:15Z 2007-03-23T22:51:15Z Iris<br />-by Anshar<br /><br />Little Iris, why do you hang?<br />On the slopes, sloughs, and boughs of the tree where we sang?<br />Every ray of light that chases you through the brambles<br />Rambles, and sets... away from your petals<br />The dew is gone, from the chasing stems<br />That remind me of us and them<br />and I feel like climbing this trunk, to find where you've been<br />Little Iris. Sing to me. I miss you. Find a ray and fly to me<br />Never be so far away. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ansharseraphim:5838 2007-03-23T22:50:53Z 2007-03-23T22:50:53Z The Garden Behind Us<br />-Anshar<br /><br />This tangled path lies in front of us<br />a fragrant garden behind us<br />no matter how oft we glance over our shoulders<br />I know we must tread onward<br />I want your hand in mine<br />as we graze across the tulips<br />and cry at the sunsets<br />the bird songs remind us of where we've been<br />and we have only our eyes to guide our newest footsteps<br />I find myself searching my pockets as we walk<br />looking for the keys to that garden gate<br />and knowing that its so far behind us,<br />I could never open it, even as I grasp for the key<br />but please, won't you walk along with me?<br />please. walk along with me. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ansharseraphim:5495 2007-03-23T22:50:27Z 2007-03-23T22:50:27Z Go not into the desert<br />-by Anshar<br /><br />The tendrils of happenstance<br />Can cripple while you try to dance<br />Across the marble tile of choice<br />And if you try to swing<br />Yourself across the chasm fate may bring<br />It's easy to lose your voice<br />So sing for the moment we live in<br />And cherish the palace we're given<br />Before you wander into the desert<br />And your want for water makes all this an illusion urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ansharseraphim:5171 2007-03-23T22:50:06Z 2007-03-23T22:50:06Z The Fall<br />-by Anshar<br /><br />I never wanted to circle like a buzzard<br />when I first cast my eyes and plummeted down<br />I caught your scent in the wind<br />I saw across the top of your frown<br />but now that I leveled with the horizon<br />and skipped the urge to pluck out your eyes<br />shall we dance? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ansharseraphim:4921 2007-03-23T22:49:30Z 2007-03-23T22:49:30Z Prey<br />-by Anshar<br /><br />Down the silken path she wanders<br />Sticky threads efface her steps<br />and grab her as she ponders<br /><br />Her path down the incline<br /><br />The woven mesh caresses steps<br />As they fall like drumbeats down each orb<br />She explores his murky depths<br /><br />Restrained in fascination<br /><br />Her wrists are anchored, still she slides<br />Her legs unfettered<br />She winds and glides<br /><br />Down the dark tapestry he's woven for her<br /><br />Eyelids fluttering she stalks the maze<br />The labyrinth twitches<br />Every moment she casts away a gaze<br /><br />It flutters and trembles until she looks again<br /><br />Its hard for spider to let someone walk upon his web<br />His instincts grab him<br />They race through his head<br /><br />The predator in him pulses and pounds with delight<br /><br />He approaches deftly as she looks about in awe<br />Feeling her heartbeat on every strand<br />Linked and surrounded to his maw<br /><br />He hesitates, and watches from the darkness<br /><br />She quietly ambles to the center<br />His eyes dart across her<br />Trying to catch that moment as she enters<br /><br />Where he can finally decide if she's an equal or prey<br /><br />A moment later she's upon him and eating<br />His legs cruelly twisted under her vice<br />His animalistic senses in ecstacy beating<br /><br />At last he's found her. His widow. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ansharseraphim:4782 2007-03-23T12:46:17Z 2007-03-23T12:46:17Z The Cruelty of Somnus<br />-by Anshar<br /><br />I see it in your eyes when you ride me<br />The look that answers, "inside me"<br />Your lips flush and your head begins to topple<br />Back arching, hips swaying as you hobble<br />Closer and closer to the agony of completeness<br /><br />Your breath quickens like boiling mercury<br />I see you spasm in your fury<br />The nails on your back answering your screams<br />Wailing to you as you fervently dream<br />Of the heat waiting to explode within you<br /><br />Hair cascading off your face<br />You writhe in diabolical grace<br />Yearning and pulling me to your center<br />My kneeling, imploring repenter<br />Begging me to flagellate you with ecstacy<br /><br />Eyes darting in anxiety<br />Lips pursed in piety<br />You answer every probing question with a moan<br />Your body stirring as you groan<br /><br />The universe detonates, and I wake<br />... alone. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ansharseraphim:4567 2006-06-07T03:32:21Z 2006-06-07T07:41:00Z System of a Down - Aerials So.. I got this message on Yahoo... people message me from time to time for support on energy working and vampirism... so... this guy is a genuine whackjob, and posts on Shadowlore under the name blizzard. Have a read, and enjoy the laugh.<br /><br />*cackles*<br /><br />johnny_doe345: hi is your profile real?<br />Anshar: uh yes.<br />johnny_doe345: do you have special powers?<br />johnny_doe345: like energy reading?<br />Anshar: energy reading isn't a "power" anyone can do it with training<br />johnny_doe345: so can you do it?<br />Anshar: yes...<br />Anshar: why?<br />johnny_doe345: can you read me?<br />johnny_doe345: please<br />Anshar: lol I can't do it over a computer<br />Anshar: I've never even met you<br />johnny_doe345: i know a lot of people that can do it over a computer<br />johnny_doe345: are you sure you can't?<br />Anshar: well, I'm not one of them. I can read very difficult to read things, but all my abilities are based off of proximity, because of the way I feed<br />Anshar: I'm a pranic emotional vampire.<br />Anshar: I'm used to human contact.<br />johnny_doe345: a vampire has the vampire virus believe me<br />johnny_doe345: oh<br />Anshar: it limits me, but it also lets me read deeply.<br />Anshar: virus? lol<br />johnny_doe345: then you may have been a real vampire in a past life<br />Anshar: where do you get this garbage?<br />johnny_doe345: ok<br />johnny_doe345: i am 4500000 years old<br />Anshar: uh. no.<br />johnny_doe345: i am liza the king of hellfire<br />johnny_doe345: my father is lucifer<br />johnny_doe345: im a vampire hybrid with other races<br />Anshar: okay. your father is lucifer?<br />johnny_doe345: and i know that a vampire has the vampiric virus<br />johnny_doe345: yes he is<br />johnny_doe345: my mother was<br />johnny_doe345: nevia<br />johnny_doe345: the female angel of death<br />Anshar: okay. so your father... his name means what in latin?<br />johnny_doe345: what do i care?<br />Anshar: mmhmm.<br />johnny_doe345: you mean in draconian?<br />johnny_doe345: the language that we spoke?<br />Anshar: draconian?<br />Anshar: you think that lucifer and his kin speak the language of dragons?<br />johnny_doe345: well i would speak some but my memory was erased by an angel<br />johnny_doe345: not dragons<br />johnny_doe345: only<br />johnny_doe345: what does aius preda rebus aserdos mean?<br />johnny_doe345: it's lucifer's blessing<br />Anshar: you are very confused my friend. that or this "angel" did more than erase your memories.<br />johnny_doe345: of course<br />johnny_doe345: he sealed me in a human body<br />johnny_doe345: a baby<br />johnny_doe345: when the baby was 2 years old<br />johnny_doe345: the angel threw me in his body<br />johnny_doe345: and erased my mem<br />johnny_doe345: lucifer help me get some of it back<br />johnny_doe345: i spoke to one of my minions<br />johnny_doe345: when i was in hell<br />johnny_doe345: he can speak to lucifer<br />johnny_doe345: and there was this other girl that lucifer sent me to<br />johnny_doe345: she can see in the spiritual realm<br />johnny_doe345: and she said she was talking to lucifer and azrael and someone else<br />johnny_doe345: they were explaining all this to me<br />johnny_doe345: what has happened<br />johnny_doe345: ...anyway<br />johnny_doe345: are u there?<br />Anshar: yes.<br />Anshar: I'm here.<br />johnny_doe345: i kknow im such a yap<br />johnny_doe345: so the vampire comunity<br />johnny_doe345: do the have immortal vampires?<br />johnny_doe345: do you know anyone of the clans?<br />Anshar: no. we use the word vampirism to describe what we are as a loose metaphor.<br />Anshar: we are not the undead.<br />Anshar: we do not live forever.<br />johnny_doe345: but you guys know any undead?<br />Anshar: it is just a way of describing the way we feed off of the energy of others.<br />Anshar: we could just as easily use the word leech.<br />Anshar: or something similar<br />Anshar: its a metaphorical term.<br />johnny_doe345: but do you know anything at all of real blood vampires?<br />Anshar: I know people who feed on blood.<br />Anshar: but they are not immortal<br />johnny_doe345: not humans<br />Anshar: and they are not undead<br />johnny_doe345: lol <br />johnny_doe345: there are many races of vampires<br />Anshar: some of them may "refer" to themselves as something other than human. some believe they are something else... as you do.<br />johnny_doe345: vampires that are human and are infected with the vampiric virus<br />Anshar: okay. let me set you straight on a few things, alright?<br />Anshar: if you'll allow me<br />johnny_doe345: ok<br />Anshar: obviously lucifer is something you know a whole lot about<br />Anshar: well, vampires are something "I" know a whole lot about<br />johnny_doe345: he's here with me<br />Anshar: so hear me out, alright?<br />johnny_doe345: in spiritual of coures<br />johnny_doe345: yes<br />Anshar: will you be willing to listen to a little truth?<br />Anshar: okay. there are "virus" vampires. there is a disease called Renfield's syndrome where people need to consume blood and have an aversion to light.<br />Anshar: but. and this is important.<br />Anshar: as far as we in the community know, there are no "undead" vampires. these are characters in myth, nothing more. now I understand that may seem like a lie to you<br />Anshar: but hear me out<br />Anshar: there's more<br />Anshar: there are those who feed on energy, pranic energy.<br />Anshar: those people are known as pranic vampires, pranic feeders, the energy they feed on is known by many names<br />Anshar: odic force, prana<br />johnny_doe345: ah<br />Anshar: the suffusing spiritual energy of emotion, thought, and life<br />Anshar: but it is NOT the soul, or atma.<br />Anshar: I would "hope" that you would trust me on this. there is no such thing as an undead vampire to my knowledge. that is simply a fabrication of superstition and fear<br />johnny_doe345: oh god<br />Anshar: "vampires" have existed for a long time<br />Anshar: but they are people.<br />Anshar: not "creatures"<br />johnny_doe345: you mean the immortal type<br />Anshar: is that clear?<br />johnny_doe345: there are no mortal vampires<br />Anshar: there are no IMMORTAL vampires.<br />johnny_doe345: lucifer is also a vampire lycan demon hybrid<br />johnny_doe345: you just don't want to admit that there are real immortal vampires<br />Anshar: the idea of an immortal vampire is quite possibly the direct result of people fearing what they do not understand, and injecting that into myth and superstition.<br />johnny_doe345: there are also werewolves<br />johnny_doe345: people don't know anything about that<br />johnny_doe345: leave humans out of this<br />Anshar: I know that werewolves exist. but once again, not in the way that you think.<br />johnny_doe345: lol<br />johnny_doe345: what way then?<br />johnny_doe345: do you know about the secret war<br />johnny_doe345: in canada and us?<br />johnny_doe345: oregon and washington?<br />Anshar: there is no war between vampires and werewolves. I can prove it.<br />johnny_doe345: real immortal vampires and weres<br />Anshar: but I don't suppose you'll listen.<br />johnny_doe345: i just spoke to a lycan commander a few moments ago<br />johnny_doe345: he's real and immortal<br />Anshar: look, I'm here if you need to ask questions about the metaphysical. I'm here if you need help or counseling with your problems, I'm here if you just want to talk<br />Anshar: but the way this conversation is going, I'm beginning to wonder if I can help you.<br />johnny_doe345: if you can do some energy reading<br />johnny_doe345: <br />Anshar: *sighs*<br />Anshar: *shakes head* sorry. not getting anything.<br />johnny_doe345: sorry<br />johnny_doe345: wht do you usually read in someone?<br />johnny_doe345: when theyre close?<br />Anshar: it all depends on what I'm looking for<br />Anshar: sometimes its memories<br />Anshar: sometimes why they're feeling an emotion<br />johnny_doe345: the race?<br />Anshar: sometimes its simpler than that<br />Anshar: just direct impressions.<br />johnny_doe345: so do you know anyone who does a better job?<br />johnny_doe345: or can read from any distancE?<br />Anshar: I do. but I don't know you, and some of the things you've said kind of concern me. I would have to know you for a longer period of time before I'd even THINK about introducing you to any of my colleagues<br />johnny_doe345: and what powers do they have?<br />johnny_doe345: im bald<br />johnny_doe345: and i have vampire teeth in my true form<br />johnny_doe345: i mean before i possesed this body<br />johnny_doe345: can you see eyes?<br />Anshar: *sighs* I thought you were SEALED into that body<br />Anshar: you didn't possess it.<br />johnny_doe345: same thing<br />johnny_doe345: trust me<br />Anshar: no. its not.<br />johnny_doe345: he forced me<br />johnny_doe345: he forced me to possese it<br />Anshar: an angel FORCED you to possess someone<br />johnny_doe345: and sealed me in<br />Anshar: right.<br />johnny_doe345: yes peter the angel<br />johnny_doe345: don't remember how but he did it<br />Anshar: there is no Peter the angel. he was an apostle. not an angel.<br />johnny_doe345: not the apostle<br />johnny_doe345: there is also an angel<br />Anshar: the NAME peter comes from greek<br />Anshar: the angelic race PREDATES grecoroman civilization<br />Anshar: and only a specific number of angels were created<br />Anshar: there IS no angel peter.<br />johnny_doe345: lucifer is 95 trilion yaers old<br />Anshar: can't you understand that you're seeing things in a blurred way? <br />Anshar: you even admit your memories were tampered with<br />Anshar: why not relax a moment and consider what I'm saying?<br />johnny_doe345: thisn is not from my memories<br />johnny_doe345: a guy told me a lycan<br />johnny_doe345: a real immortal one<br />johnny_doe345: a guardian too<br />johnny_doe345: the son of lilith<br />johnny_doe345: the queen of demons<br />johnny_doe345: and the brother of vamprrya<br />johnny_doe345: the goddess of immortal vampires<br />Anshar: alright, alright, that's enough. I've been patient. I've tried.<br />Anshar: but if you're not going to listen, then I simply won't waste any more time on you.<br />johnny_doe345: nevermind that<br />Anshar: have a nice morning, and a nice life.<br />Anshar: good bye. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ansharseraphim:3985 2006-05-05T03:20:54Z 2006-05-05T03:20:54Z Horizon<br />-by Anshar-<br /><br />Light scatters across the heavens in languishing threads<br />The earth moist and fresh, deprecating warmth<br />The hand of idolatry rises from the flesh<br />The night dies, the day reborn<br /><br />Chaliced tears fall from scarlet clouds<br />Mist rising to the sun<br />A solar arc, he tore apart<br />When the earth was undone<br /><br />Simmering downward from way on high<br />His feet struck smoothly in the sand<br />Every print a song in part<br />From nature's reprimand<br /><br />The birds drew quiet at this new dawn<br />A sun falling from the sky<br />The stars glinting knowingly that he was gone<br />And knew together, why<br /><br />So pacing on the river banks<br />Across the hills and knolls<br />He looked upward in a kind of thanks<br />And set about his goals<br /><br />He strode across the desert<br />To find his soul's demand<br />Living like a peasant<br />Along the new fallen sand<br /><br />His journey took him through the swamps<br />Through wetlands and groves<br />He stared at the beauty as he stumbled through<br />Followed by flocks of crows<br /><br />The ravens mocked him, with murderous intent<br />Raining judgement and ire<br />With piety the man simply strode onward<br />and followed his hearts desire<br /><br />Years and years he walked, alone through the wastes<br />He trekked and fell, and suffered, dismayed<br />In secret dark places he couldn't reveal<br />His passion felt betrayed<br /><br />He strode across volcanic rocks<br />That cut his feet and will<br />Floated over mountaintops<br />And felt his heart go still<br /><br />And there up on a mountain peak<br />Dying, alone, afraid<br />His eyes cast down upon a valley<br />He felt his death.. delayed<br /><br />And so he sauntered down that cliff<br />With careful step, he dared<br />Knowing that he could at least die<br />Seeing what was there<br /><br />Walking finally in the valley <br />His eyes caught nothing odd<br />His head hung down he finally sighed<br />And gave his soul to God<br /><br />As he rose into the sky<br />His mortal shell cast free<br />He glanced downward... as clouds drew nigh<br />And let his spirit see<br /><br />The beauty cascaded, eloped with his reason<br />He looked in shock and smiled<br />The valley below held him in tow<br />And wanted him to stay a while<br /><br />His passionate search had not been in vain<br />After casting off flesh and blood<br />His every footstep across hill, swamp, and plain<br />Had been in search of love<br /><br />Now looking down with pith and moment<br />He finally realized...<br />His one true life had been below<br />He strode across her all that time<br /><br />And now the sun and sky and stars all shone brightly from above<br />The Sky had finally found his queen<br />The earth... his joy... his love. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ansharseraphim:3649 2006-05-05T03:19:42Z 2006-05-05T03:19:42Z Wedding Bells Her eyes fell upon his face, the darkness of form resounding in the chaotic void of the night; the raindrops catching every glimmer of the few bright pinpoints that found their way through the murky clouds. The gentle wind pulling them across his face with the delicacy of a silk sheet, caressing the form of his face with a gentle radiance, his eyes adust, smoldering, burning beneath the veil of night. Their eyes met, gazes dancing, circling one another like twirling dancers, dipping, spinning, caressing, their steps as methodical as the breath that peaked itself into swirling mists that rose from their lips in the frigid air. She stepped into him, the folds of his cloak encircling her, dancing like cobras, caressing her form. <br /> Three times, they kissed. Once with their hair, the tresses intermeshing in the gentle wind, like lovers languishing, dancing, blending strand with strand, flowing like underwater ribbons, joined. Twice with their hands, searching, longing, his nails tracing flaming patterns across her jaw, her fingertips grasping silently into his shoulderblades. Thrice....<br /> They met halfway, both pairs of lips softly settling into the other, slightly parted. Her arms slipped tighter around his shoulders as his hand traversed her spine, pulling her closer into the tender caress of his cloak. She yielded to him, allowing his tongue to part her lips, and she reponded. Her eyes, half-closed, burning like embers on a cool night became veiled and smoky as her body began to burn at his slight touch. Their tongues spoke a language unknown to many, and coveted by more. Caressing softly, he brushed a strand of hair from her face as the misty rain pattered the window, increasing in intensity.<br /> As the rain drops grew larger and fell faster, the kiss flowed down a zealous path, both of them whispering to the other promises of untold passions and things to come through their movements. Her arms tightened around his shoulders as her breath quickened, the heat in her flesh quickly rising to near-boiling, as his silky caresses and slight touches continued along her back. Feeling him ignite these sensations within her excited and enthralled her, and she could only hope that this dance was being as thoroughly enjoyed as they kissed. Never before had she met a man who did this to her, and it gave room for her mind to wander through thoughts that brought color to her cheeks as she toyed with the idea of his fingertips on her bare flesh. Smiling under the kiss, she silently hoped that the promises he spoke to her with his lips would, perhaps, later come true.<br /><br />May Every Kiss be like the First,<br />-Anshar urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ansharseraphim:3374 2005-11-20T19:25:21Z 2005-11-20T19:25:21Z Bears getting into the trash cans outside Posted by Popular Request......<br /><br />10 MUST HAVES for a friendship:<br />1 I need someone who respects my needs, limits, ideas, and me.<br />2 I need someone with compatible self interests and perspective.<br />3 I need someone who is willing to help me and receive my help.<br />4 I need someone who respects him or herself.<br />5 I need someone who can make me laugh and I enjoy spending time around.<br />6 I need someone who has the courage to tell me when I'm doing something wrong.<br />7 I need someone who shares interests with me and enjoys my company whilst doing them.<br />8 I need someone who is comfortable with who I am and is comfortable being themselves around me.<br />9 I need someone who can understand and relate to me.<br />10 I need someone I am comfortable sharing myself with.<br /><br />10 MUST HAVES for a romantic relationship (besides them meeting friendship requirements):<br />1 I need someone who will be emotionally, socially, and financially independent of me and vice versa.<br />2 I need someone who is both sexually and sensually compatible with who I am.<br />3 I need someone who is faithful to me and will not betray me.<br />4 I need someone who is spiritually compatible with me.<br />5 I need someone who makes me feel attractive.<br />6 I need someone who is spontaneous and romantic.<br />7 I need someone who is not overtly jealous.<br />8 I need someone who is patient and understanding.<br />9 I need someone who will stand up for me and protect me.<br />10 I need someone who includes me in important decisions and has the same goals and priorities as me.<br /><br /><br />Too needy for ya? Take a fucking hike. :D<br /><br />Till next time....<br /><br />Oloth plynn dos.<br />-Anshar urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ansharseraphim:3315 2005-11-19T11:02:56Z 2005-11-19T11:02:56Z Korn - Thoughtless My computer is on its way home to me, I called to verify with Brandon and Sharri. Very excited about that, slumming away on this Pentium 2 laptop has been hell. Actually been taking the time to enjoy playing Dungeons and Dragons again, though I can tell this will only be a brief stint. I've already tired of it to some extent, but my friend Jerry isn't quite done with the campaign I've set before him, so I'll stick it out long enough for him to enjoy himself, would be unfair of me to start him in a campaign and not finish it, so I'll hang in there for another few weeks for his benefit. After all, what are friends for? Found out that Joe (a person I've been in brief contact with since I met him in a chatroom) actually wrote about meeting me in his livejournal. That was a bit odd, I mean I knew that I had some kind of impact on him (I was hoping to) but to see him flay it all for his friends to see threw me a bit off. I mean, I'm glad to be noteworthy, but all of what I said to him was more for his personal benefit, and he took the liberty of pasting our entire conversation up in the open. I guess I should be flattered, but in some way that makes no sense, I'm insulted. After telling me that he'd wrote about me and adding me to his friends list he conveniently made himself scarce, no idea if his "emergency" was actually one or just a ploy to keep him from scrutinization after opening perhaps one too many doors. My mother is slowly but surely driving me insane. She talks incessantly, never stopping even when I leave the room. She'll start on some tangent and talk and talk and talk. I'll go outside for a smoke, come back inside, and she's still talking. She'll get up and go to the bathroom... still talking... with the door closed... and then come back out... wander into another room.. keep talking... walk outside the front door... still talking... It drives me batty. I was sure I was used to her insanity, her flagrant pathological lying, the manipulation, the incessant babbling, but I guess I just learned complacency after leaving home. Now that I've been forced to co-occupy a space with her its become more and more apparent that the hurricane that ousted me out of the south is now hell-bent on seeing if I pass the crazy mother litmus test. Hopefully I'll get some time to myself so I don't choke the fucking shit out of her, but only time will tell. Recently I went back into a computer enthusiast chatroom I haven't frequented for almost a year, of course, its as if I never left. The same doldrum infantile conversations revolving around sex and which graphics card doesn't suck. Sometimes I wish I was as simple minded as the "normal" people I encounter, it seems to me that life would be so much easier without the half-skewed perspective granted me by my intelligence. I suppose that that goes to show that an over-analytical mind can be a glorious thing. I took some time to find out what more is going on in the life of Dale, one of my really good friends from way back when, I felt really awful falling out of touch with him over the years, I mean the guy DID name his kid after me. Not having talked to him for so long feels like a dire insult I have no real way to correct. Life has indeed been hectic these last few years, but so hectic I can't spare 5 minutes for a phone call every month or so? I suppose not. Perhaps I just got a little too wrapped up in my own life, selfish bastard that I am. I've been investing a lot of time in helping and fixing people this last week or so, some of them take and seek advice readily, some need to be manipulated into doing what's right for themselves, ah, those are the fun ones, I enjoy a challenge. I realize now that I've spent entirely too much of my life on the internet, I can do a search on google for the different screen names I've used over the years and I get over 200 hits of nothing but me on each search. Sad? yes. True? yes. Soooo.... turkey day is soon approaching, and Krys is coming to stay with me, she'll leave on Sunday in the marvelous land of misery, and spend two days languishing in a greyhound. Don't I feel special? No idea how we'll occupy ourselves in this tiny trailer. I think Jerry may come by to rescue us once or twice, but other than that at least I'll have a cellmate. I have a feeling we're going to be having those fun 12 hour conversations with smoke break conversations at regular intervals. Should be fun. Hope I don't bore the pants off of her. Not that I like TV, but the stupid box is chock full of static now, and I've no idea if its the lines or the TV. I guess its just one more excuse to leave the damn thing off, but with my leg fucked up and my computer MIA for the time being, its been one thing I can use to distract myself from the painful melody of violin lessons coming in from the next room. Living with music teachers for the majority of my life, I've adapted to hearing 5 year old kids screeching twinkle twinkle little star in the next room while I try to bathe... do my homework... eat... watch tv... I guess I have a switch I can use to block it out, but maybe I've just tired of using it. If anything needs a mute button its my mother's mouth. I'll let you guys know if I can patent a mother-mute remote. You all will get friend's discounts :D Until the next time, this is Annie Ovaltine signing off, don't forget your decoder rings next week for a special super secret message from Annie...... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ansharseraphim:3070 2005-11-14T19:06:30Z 2005-11-18T22:26:27Z The Droning of the Idiot Box Well, been having a fascinating time here in California. My mother's insanity is almost so normal to me now that it almost comes across as a personality quirk when I look at her. She tried getting me to gamble with her last night. Later on, that evening, I sugar-crashed and she had no idea what was going on. I swear she knows NOTHING about me, not even my most basic of medical conditions... flustering. Feh, I must sound like some angsty teenager complaining about my mom. Finally got Krys all set up, took me hours and hours of work, hopefully it'll be worth it and she'll take advantage of the opportunity. I just hope she remembers all the advice I've given her and makes the right choices. My computer, my baby, is finally on its way to me. I hope there's not a scratch on it. Been hell being without it. I guess that's it for now, short and sweet. I don't know many entries I'll make in the next month or so. Life is moving SOOOO slowly.<br /><br />-Anshar urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ansharseraphim:2790 2005-10-30T08:09:41Z 2005-10-30T08:09:41Z The clattering of strange objects in this tiny fucking room Well, I've arrived in California no worse for wear, but I've got to tell you folks, I don't know how long I'm going to last here. My mother has taken to living at her new boyfriend's house, so that means she has turned the "mobile dwelling" she usually stays at into what is essentially a storage unit with just enough space for her lessons. Its terribly cramped, and I feel like I'm imprisoned in a tiny tiny box. Staying here long enough for my surgery and physical recovery time alone is going to be very daunting, I'm hoping that I can mooch a place to stay off of Jerry or one of my other friends, because this is just fucking ridiculous. I know, I know, I'm bitching about a warm place to stay, even if its only 10'x5' its still a lot more than some folks have, but its been YEARS since I've had to depend on my mother for anything, and the woman drives me fucking insane. The moment I saw her at the baggage claim she has done nothing but talk incessantly, and every time I even make the effort to listen and perhaps parlay a bit with her, anything I've said is simply ignored and she continues with her loquacious filibustering. Its only the first day and I've already had to sit on my hands twice because the urge to choke the fucking life out of her is so overwhelming. I sit here, writing on a VERY dated pentium 2 laptop whose technology barely surpasses the dial up connection I'm slumming through to even get to the internet... I'm sure this is far from hell, but it feels close. Perhaps after I've escaped a bit to a friend or two's house and I can take a few walks mid-day to clear my mind it will all become more tolerable... I can only hope. To all the folks who left answering machine messages for me here, I apologize for not being able to make it to the phone, my mom took me straight to Harvey's (her new boyfriend's) house, not to her place, so if you missed me on the phone, entirely not my fault, please don't hate me. I suppose I'll be online at least so I'll be contactable by various messaging services, if you've forgotten them, I'll list them below...<br />MSN Messenger: AnsharDarkangel@hotmail.com<br />AOL Messenger: AnsharDark<br />Yahoo Msgr : AnsharDark<br />ICQ : 14162321<br />you can send email to either AnsharDarkangel@hotmail.com or anshar.seraphim@gmail.com as I check both. I'm not about to put my phone number here, but feel free to ask me for it online if you know me well enough to inquire, apparently ONE thing my mom DOES have is free long distance (US Only) and I think talking to people socially will most likely be the only thing that keeps me sane.<br /><br />-Anshar urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ansharseraphim:2365 2005-10-28T03:12:13Z 2005-10-28T03:12:13Z Thank godallfuckingmighty I will soon be leaving the liquid shit hell that is Missouri, and will be soon headed back to California, the opulent land of sin. I have suffered 4 long, tedious years listening to southern accents and jesus-speech throwing jackasses, putting up with people who don't have the common sense to fuck and have children, let alone try their hands at operating complex machines on the highway. I have borne witness to the evil that lives in the south, it was in the minds and the hearts of the hungry, dehydrated rednecks left in the wake of that hurricane. After 3 days of a crumpled, flooded bridge, a baking sun, and no fresh water or power, the true face of the south was revealed, not the kowtowing christians, full of themselves and their "generosity", but the skeezy, sweaty, arrogant, white supremacist fucktards who beat our neighbor over the head with a bat and took his generator. I can be sure that these same people were in church not two weeks before telling jesus how much they want that new cadillac at the dealership with thoughts of all the pussy they'd get at the next high school football game.... and my answer to it all is... have your fucking fun, I'm getting the fuck out of this goddamn part of the nation. Hell, I may even retreat out of the goddamn borders of this stupid, idiotic, social darwinistic bliss and make my way to Europe or Canada. I think I've just about had it, and if California has somehow slipped into this subtle insanity that I've found elsewhere, then my decision to leave will be final. I have no more reasons to persist in a place where I cannot flourish and grow, I surround myself with people who claim to understand me but take no real effort to find the part of me that is truly tangible and real, and my family makes me so goddamn sick that I have seriously considered hunting them all down with a fucking fully automatic weapon, just so I can be sure they stop breeding. I am just as base as those dirty fuckers in mississippi, but I won't take my rage out on the innocent, no I will take it out on the bastards that really deserve it. The common man in his thrift store 10 dollar suit and his little fucking racist kids, I'll drop them all off a goddamn bridge and incinerate their government subsidized housing.<br /><br />...<br /><br />hrm.<br /><br />I mean. All is well. Jesus loves you. Please look away while I fuck this gentleman out of his retirement money. Oh. And I'll see you at church. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ansharseraphim:2174 2005-10-11T19:59:51Z 2005-10-12T21:01:52Z Bodhi Sattva - Steely Dan Seething and burning<br />Boiling and churning<br />Body adust in albescent grace<br /><br />Smoke roils and coils<br />Blood drips and boils<br />Across her sensuous face<br /><br />Her sullen steps<br />and sultry hips<br />Flash incoherently, shimmering over a sky of sexual depravity<br /><br />Dancing... in the ballroom of insanity<br /><br />The music cascades<br />Her screams are played<br />Cacophonous instruments emblazoned on the heartstrings of immortals<br /><br />We dance... in step<br /><br />The music slows<br />and tension grows<br />a child's laughter grates the air with palpable disdain<br /><br />Its plain... to suffer<br /><br />Burn, yearn, boil, scream, writhe and dance for me you little bitch<br />Let my eyes fall like knives over your crumpled form<br /><br />Cherish every touch, each salty tear, every burn, every scar, every bite<br />Because I will never touch you again urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ansharseraphim:2031 2005-10-06T15:51:28Z 2005-10-06T15:51:28Z Ever stumble across something that you identify with so completely, and is so negative, that it almost feels as if you've been punched in the stomach? I have... when I read this. (my comments continue at the end... it goes without saying I didn't write this treatise on narcissism). I doubt many (lol or any) of you will take the time to read this, but if you do, here I am, all of me. Who would have thought that my entire personality and every shred of individuality that I thought I possessed could be classified and studied. *sigh* oh well, at least I have a decent singing voice.<br /><br />(if you honestly give a shit, read the goddamn article asshats, its three pages, I can't promise to give you the 20 minutes of your life back, but I'd rather you read the article and understand what the fuck I'm talking about, then browse through my life like a goddamn flower garden, so make a choice)<br /><br /><a href="http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php/type/doc/id/419">http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php/type/doc/id/419</a><br /><br />Good fucking god. This is me, all the ideations, the anger, the bitterness, the idealism, the fantasy, my phases of lying, distancing. Every piece of me is here, my crazy mother is here... clinical psychology has an amazing way of making us feel so small. We place so much emphasis on our individuality that when we observe a science built to catagorize and understand ourselves we can feel so minimalized, depressed. One thing I DIDN'T see in this article, verbose (and accurate) as it was... is a treatment! How do I fix it? Can I fix it? Is there a way to cope with it? Great, I get to be another countless sheep, plodding off to a shrink. In retrospect it makes sense, its easy to rationalize, the symptoms are practically undeniable. So now what? Am I broken? I've lived 25 years on this planet, bitter, insane, is there some solution? clarity? Is there a point to any of it?<br /><br />If I can find happiness within the confines of my psychosis, is that enough? Do I need to retrain myself on an integumentary level? Will doing so "fix" me? If I find entrancement and happiness in a life of detached fantasy, is that wrong? At least I know what makes me happy... Drugs? Jesus.. what if they give me drugs?! How frightening, to have to take a chemical supplement for the rest of my life to try to cope, a chemical that goes against the self-image I've established, drugs that make me into someone other than who I am? Sure, I can rationalize, maybe on the drugs I'd be the person I'm "supposed" to be; but what does that even fucking mean? If there's a soul, it has to be defined by our self-image to some degree, the coherence of our energy, our thoughts, our feelings... is it something transitory? Most likely. I doubt that we retain any true shadow of "who we are" when we leave our earthly bodies. I doubt there's a cohesive afterlife, it makes no sense with what little we can understand of how energy works.. so what then? Can I rationalize drugs simply because it will make being who I am more bearable in the sense of accomplishing my goals? functioning? How important are those ideals anyway? Does my answer even count with the skewed sense of reality I've apparently established for myself?<br /><br />Sigh, so many questions, not nearly enough answers. Its enough to provoke the response, but to respond? Doing so requires courage, of course, but is it a means to an end I'm actually after? Will forging some impetus in my life make it more liveable? less? I'm tired of this circular analytical bullshit. Sometimes I just wish I had an off-switch.<br /><br />If you took the time to read all of this, bless you; if you just read my comments, then don't even bother leaving a comment yourself. If you can't take the time to read, then I don't see why I should. Fuck off.<br /><br />-Anshar urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ansharseraphim:530 2005-10-03T10:43:14Z 2005-10-03T10:43:14Z You fucking suck motherfucker! - The Voices in my Head ::uploading emotionnet sig response::<br />14 files...<br />Connecting...<br /><br />Uploading...<br />confused.wtf<br />annoyed.wtf<br />betrayed.wtf<br />depressed.wtf<br />lonely.wtf<br />horny.wtf<br />overwhelmed.wtf<br />underwhelmed.wtf<br />restless.wtf<br />fatalistic.wtf<br />differentiated.wtf<br />procrastinating.wtf<br />bored.wtf<br />frustrated.wtf<br /><br />14 files uploaded....<br />CRC Check..... OK!<br /><br />User Comments:<br /><br />I've been feeling a lot like my computer lately, and looking from it in that perspective, I think its about time to clean out my hard drive again. The people in my life feel a lot less like useful utilities and more like adware and spyware as time goes on. Its as if the pop-ups and pop-unders are gentle reminders of the fact that my registry is full of crap, and I'm too lazy to sit down and delete each entry by hand, perhaps in enough time I'll get annoyed enough to do it, but for now, seeing free offers for things I have no interest in just seems mildly irritating. As each day passes I get more and more of their spam, and as it fills my twenty e-mail accounts with chain letters and "are you a true friend?" poetry, I find myself slipping my hand down to the mouse to just shut everything down. <br /><br />Lately life seems to be running like a badly scripted Perl interface, I seem to have all my objects labeled improperly, and I find myself getting just about anything but what I intend to get the moment I actually click on something. It may be all the user accounts on this terminal, but I can actually FEEL my drive filling up with crap, message histories, pictures of friends that mean nothing to me anymore, screensavers I thought were incredibly entertaining ten years ago that now just remind me of the fact I'm never AFK long enough to see them anyway. <br /><br />Sometimes having a gigabit LAN interface can seem so pointless on a system dedicated to 10/100... and as time passes I wonder if its futile to even hope the computers around me upgrade in time for the system I'm currently on to even be useful anymore. With that said.. I've finally made up my mind... too many contacts on my goddamn instant messaging programs. Time to clean them all out. Hell, I may uninstall those programs for a while, it seems like ever since I got them my accounts just fill up over and over with bullshit. <br /><br />No... I know what to do.<br /><br />*Cracks Knuckles*<br /><br />Alright you piece of shit, time for a format and a re-install. Open wide and say AHHHHHHHHHHH!<br /><br />-A urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ansharseraphim:282 2005-09-29T09:42:40Z 2005-09-29T09:42:40Z Andrea Bocelli - Per Amore I've always felt a journal was a private record of your thoughts, inspirations, reactions... then I came across livejournal. Now why in the world would someone put their private thoughts on display in a public forum? Self-aggrandizing attention mongering? Bizarre ideosyncracy? The possibilities baffled me. Then I it became a bit more clear. People post on these sites for several reasons, one, attention. They want to feel like enough people are interested in the putrescent existence that is their life story. Sure, fine, that sounds swell, my ego can always use a little stroking. Some people try to hide it, to "not care" what others think of them. Pure bullshit. Life would be vastly different with no one to share it with. 50% of who we consider ourselves to be is based on how we interact with the peopled world around us, the other 50% is that amazing limbo of introspection and self-loathing we place ourselves in when we dare meander into the muddled cave that makes up the compartmentalized condo of the id. So sure, I'm here to post anything and everything I think is important (actual world importance and impact... ZERO) so that a bunch of asshats can tell me how great or how stupid I am. Sure, let me just unzip my pants before you tell me how keen my insight is. I guess having a few people give me intellectual fellatio is enough reason to come here, but ah, there's more. Another FANTASTIC reason to post here is to give your thoughts clarity and purpose, right? To get your ideas, hopes, dreams, fears, out on "paper" so that they make cohesive sense. What a farce. We butcher any emotion, thought, insight, or inspiration we truly have the moment we open our goddamn traps. The english language is a barbaric yet eloquent attempt at describing the churning seas within us, but it does neither memory, emotion, or thought justice in its machinations. It simply does not have enough words to express the human quotient, and if it did, no one would take the time to learn them all. We are at our cores, lazy, shiftless bastards. Innovation, invention, all devices to make man's life simpler, when all we really do is complicate the matter at hand. So sure, I'm going to make all my feelings and insight make a whole lot more sense when I put them into these shiny little boxes, for no other reason than the language I'm using to translate them into is so simple by comparison that the moment I have finished I have only the barebone outline of my thoughts, ideas, emotions. Enough to get a HINT, a tiny taste of what it is I truly experience. Enough to consider? To base conclusion on? No. Not by a longshot. If my emotions and ideas were that easy to compartmentalize I would have no need of a silly journal to make sense of my life. I could probably keep myself occupied with television, silly putty, and smut. Soooo.... why post? Ego stroking? That's it? No no no.. some people in my life want updates, they want life from my perspective, they want to know what is going on in my life. Well sure, that could make sense, if I was a fucking superstar, if hundreds of people wanted a day by day analysis of my life, then fine, this medium would work. But, alas, I'm not a superstar, so if you're reading this, its probably because you're NOT IMPORTANT ENOUGH IN MY LIFE TO GIVE YOU A FIRST PERSON ACCOUNT. Well, alright, there's a TON of people that meet that description. Hell, that's just about everybody, so sure, great reason to "share" with you all. So without further filibustering... welcome to the story of my life.