| Tanka and Haiku |
[Apr. 25th, 2007|10:32 pm] |
Dark Tanka
-by Anshar
Ride the screaming beast
He wanders down your hollow
Stalking after you
Breathing clouds of fog in chase
Sink into him forever
---
Feel the knife burn you
I love it when you're screaming
Eviscerating
Dance for me my little bitch
It's time for your blood tonight
---
Look into my eyes
I have a plan for your void
Suffer on my cross
I'm going to nail you down
Writhe in my quixotic hell
---
Touch my corruption
Seething from every kiss
Reduced from ashes
I've waited for you alone
Waiting forever to love
-----------------------------------------------
Tanka and Haiku
-by Anshar
She's flying to me
She'll be landing in my arms
My beautiful swan.
---
She left a false king
Threw down a kingdom of lies
And now she's my smile
---
A man, divided
Once I walked the night to hunt
You've helped me find peace
---
Your love is a sea
I swim within you and smile
I never felt alone
You lift all my fins aloft
Make me fly in worlds below
---
Did you know at first
Like I did when I saw you
My angel who walks
And now that we've walked so far
You'll never need wings to fly
---
Your kiss sings to me
Like an autumn breeze through leaves
Rustle my branches
I love the way you dip me
It's like dancing with the wind |
|
|
| Glance |
[Mar. 23rd, 2007|03:52 pm] |
The Glance
-Anshar
(Meant to be Recited, not Scanned)
twisting, like the nether of her green eyes
a reprieve from the calamity of the night
I stand, transfixed, bewitched
by the subtleties of each glance, each smile
her laughter fills my ears with the echos of each grin
every staunched rapturous moment we spent in one another's arms
bleeding from the wounds of time
healing, mending, together, embracing, our bodies kissing
like a sun setting into the mountainous horizon
we dance across the rafters of the firmament of the universe
waltzing over the roof of a burning reality
smoking, coiling, boiling, and seething with the beauty and anger of sexual perversion
crawling over one another like a contagion
feverish uncertainty
hallucinating in the heat of our lascivious passions
dripping and cascading, pounding, and pulsing
to the rythym of the visceral symphony
cloaked in one another's flesh, we sang out into the night sky
each twirling, spinning star searing across a canvas of memory
streaking scar after scar into our heaving backs
slaves to romantic longing
we are whipped, and flagellated by the endless depths of temptation
yearning for the corruption of one another's kiss
diving into sensation after sensation,
closing onto one another like drowsy flowers
devouring piece after piece of pranic delight
we course into one another like a bleeding river
mingling, churning, dipping, and dripping
into a lake of depravity |
|
|
| Untitled |
[Mar. 23rd, 2007|03:51 pm] |
She stands,
A Pallet of memories with paintbrush in hand
and tries to drag her tears across the canvas
Each searing drop scrapes, and pleasantly drapes
the cloak of emotion onto the easel of her own ridicule
-
She stood blindly by, while he made her cry
and she etches that now into stone
Inside her a heart flutters... and flies
but it does so away from her own
-
Each carved supple bone, is traced from the foam
of the oceans that rise and rush within her
She stares blankly as the art self-completes
and steps away with mirth and ginger
-
and so died the man on the pedestal. |
|
|
| Underneath |
[Mar. 23rd, 2007|03:51 pm] |
-Underneath-
by Anshar
She dips and spins with tressed silk swaying from her crown
Every star winking, in rivulets, down
Across the canvas of the arctic sky
Her skin flutters incandescent, soft like bleached lupus fur
Enchanted as I look at her
I fall, or perhaps I fly
The downcast eyes tremble like upset titans, ready to relent and let everything fall
Every tear that might tumble a statuesque shrug, from a being a hundred hands tall
So shrug, mighty Atlas
I will kiss away your tears
and if I am made a minnow in the belly of your leviathan sorrow
I will gladly drown - and smile in the empyrean inferno |
|
|
| Iris |
[Mar. 23rd, 2007|03:51 pm] |
Iris
-by Anshar
Little Iris, why do you hang?
On the slopes, sloughs, and boughs of the tree where we sang?
Every ray of light that chases you through the brambles
Rambles, and sets... away from your petals
The dew is gone, from the chasing stems
That remind me of us and them
and I feel like climbing this trunk, to find where you've been
Little Iris. Sing to me. I miss you. Find a ray and fly to me
Never be so far away. |
|
|
| The Garden Behind Us |
[Mar. 23rd, 2007|03:50 pm] |
The Garden Behind Us
-Anshar
This tangled path lies in front of us
a fragrant garden behind us
no matter how oft we glance over our shoulders
I know we must tread onward
I want your hand in mine
as we graze across the tulips
and cry at the sunsets
the bird songs remind us of where we've been
and we have only our eyes to guide our newest footsteps
I find myself searching my pockets as we walk
looking for the keys to that garden gate
and knowing that its so far behind us,
I could never open it, even as I grasp for the key
but please, won't you walk along with me?
please. walk along with me. |
|
|
| Go not into the desert |
[Mar. 23rd, 2007|03:50 pm] |
Go not into the desert
-by Anshar
The tendrils of happenstance
Can cripple while you try to dance
Across the marble tile of choice
And if you try to swing
Yourself across the chasm fate may bring
It's easy to lose your voice
So sing for the moment we live in
And cherish the palace we're given
Before you wander into the desert
And your want for water makes all this an illusion |
|
|
| The Fall |
[Mar. 23rd, 2007|03:49 pm] |
The Fall
-by Anshar
I never wanted to circle like a buzzard
when I first cast my eyes and plummeted down
I caught your scent in the wind
I saw across the top of your frown
but now that I leveled with the horizon
and skipped the urge to pluck out your eyes
shall we dance? |
|
|
| Prey |
[Mar. 23rd, 2007|03:46 pm] |
Prey
-by Anshar
Down the silken path she wanders
Sticky threads efface her steps
and grab her as she ponders
Her path down the incline
The woven mesh caresses steps
As they fall like drumbeats down each orb
She explores his murky depths
Restrained in fascination
Her wrists are anchored, still she slides
Her legs unfettered
She winds and glides
Down the dark tapestry he's woven for her
Eyelids fluttering she stalks the maze
The labyrinth twitches
Every moment she casts away a gaze
It flutters and trembles until she looks again
Its hard for spider to let someone walk upon his web
His instincts grab him
They race through his head
The predator in him pulses and pounds with delight
He approaches deftly as she looks about in awe
Feeling her heartbeat on every strand
Linked and surrounded to his maw
He hesitates, and watches from the darkness
She quietly ambles to the center
His eyes dart across her
Trying to catch that moment as she enters
Where he can finally decide if she's an equal or prey
A moment later she's upon him and eating
His legs cruelly twisted under her vice
His animalistic senses in ecstacy beating
At last he's found her. His widow. |
|
|
| The Cruelty of Somnus |
[Mar. 23rd, 2007|05:46 am] |
The Cruelty of Somnus
-by Anshar
I see it in your eyes when you ride me
The look that answers, "inside me"
Your lips flush and your head begins to topple
Back arching, hips swaying as you hobble
Closer and closer to the agony of completeness
Your breath quickens like boiling mercury
I see you spasm in your fury
The nails on your back answering your screams
Wailing to you as you fervently dream
Of the heat waiting to explode within you
Hair cascading off your face
You writhe in diabolical grace
Yearning and pulling me to your center
My kneeling, imploring repenter
Begging me to flagellate you with ecstacy
Eyes darting in anxiety
Lips pursed in piety
You answer every probing question with a moan
Your body stirring as you groan
The universe detonates, and I wake
... alone. |
|
|
| *Sigh* Another one. |
[Jun. 6th, 2006|08:30 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  amused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | System of a Down - Aerials | ] |
So.. I got this message on Yahoo... people message me from time to time for support on energy working and vampirism... so... this guy is a genuine whackjob, and posts on Shadowlore under the name blizzard. Have a read, and enjoy the laugh.
*cackles*
johnny_doe345: hi is your profile real?
Anshar: uh yes.
johnny_doe345: do you have special powers?
johnny_doe345: like energy reading?
Anshar: energy reading isn't a "power" anyone can do it with training
johnny_doe345: so can you do it?
Anshar: yes...
Anshar: why?
johnny_doe345: can you read me?
johnny_doe345: please
Anshar: lol I can't do it over a computer
Anshar: I've never even met you
johnny_doe345: i know a lot of people that can do it over a computer
johnny_doe345: are you sure you can't?
Anshar: well, I'm not one of them. I can read very difficult to read things, but all my abilities are based off of proximity, because of the way I feed
Anshar: I'm a pranic emotional vampire.
Anshar: I'm used to human contact.
johnny_doe345: a vampire has the vampire virus believe me
johnny_doe345: oh
Anshar: it limits me, but it also lets me read deeply.
Anshar: virus? lol
johnny_doe345: then you may have been a real vampire in a past life
Anshar: where do you get this garbage?
johnny_doe345: ok
johnny_doe345: i am 4500000 years old
Anshar: uh. no.
johnny_doe345: i am liza the king of hellfire
johnny_doe345: my father is lucifer
johnny_doe345: im a vampire hybrid with other races
Anshar: okay. your father is lucifer?
johnny_doe345: and i know that a vampire has the vampiric virus
johnny_doe345: yes he is
johnny_doe345: my mother was
johnny_doe345: nevia
johnny_doe345: the female angel of death
Anshar: okay. so your father... his name means what in latin?
johnny_doe345: what do i care?
Anshar: mmhmm.
johnny_doe345: you mean in draconian?
johnny_doe345: the language that we spoke?
Anshar: draconian?
Anshar: you think that lucifer and his kin speak the language of dragons?
johnny_doe345: well i would speak some but my memory was erased by an angel
johnny_doe345: not dragons
johnny_doe345: only
johnny_doe345: what does aius preda rebus aserdos mean?
johnny_doe345: it's lucifer's blessing
Anshar: you are very confused my friend. that or this "angel" did more than erase your memories.
johnny_doe345: of course
johnny_doe345: he sealed me in a human body
johnny_doe345: a baby
johnny_doe345: when the baby was 2 years old
johnny_doe345: the angel threw me in his body
johnny_doe345: and erased my mem
johnny_doe345: lucifer help me get some of it back
johnny_doe345: i spoke to one of my minions
johnny_doe345: when i was in hell
johnny_doe345: he can speak to lucifer
johnny_doe345: and there was this other girl that lucifer sent me to
johnny_doe345: she can see in the spiritual realm
johnny_doe345: and she said she was talking to lucifer and azrael and someone else
johnny_doe345: they were explaining all this to me
johnny_doe345: what has happened
johnny_doe345: ...anyway
johnny_doe345: are u there?
Anshar: yes.
Anshar: I'm here.
johnny_doe345: i kknow im such a yap
johnny_doe345: so the vampire comunity
johnny_doe345: do the have immortal vampires?
johnny_doe345: do you know anyone of the clans?
Anshar: no. we use the word vampirism to describe what we are as a loose metaphor.
Anshar: we are not the undead.
Anshar: we do not live forever.
johnny_doe345: but you guys know any undead?
Anshar: it is just a way of describing the way we feed off of the energy of others.
Anshar: we could just as easily use the word leech.
Anshar: or something similar
Anshar: its a metaphorical term.
johnny_doe345: but do you know anything at all of real blood vampires?
Anshar: I know people who feed on blood.
Anshar: but they are not immortal
johnny_doe345: not humans
Anshar: and they are not undead
johnny_doe345: lol
johnny_doe345: there are many races of vampires
Anshar: some of them may "refer" to themselves as something other than human. some believe they are something else... as you do.
johnny_doe345: vampires that are human and are infected with the vampiric virus
Anshar: okay. let me set you straight on a few things, alright?
Anshar: if you'll allow me
johnny_doe345: ok
Anshar: obviously lucifer is something you know a whole lot about
Anshar: well, vampires are something "I" know a whole lot about
johnny_doe345: he's here with me
Anshar: so hear me out, alright?
johnny_doe345: in spiritual of coures
johnny_doe345: yes
Anshar: will you be willing to listen to a little truth?
Anshar: okay. there are "virus" vampires. there is a disease called Renfield's syndrome where people need to consume blood and have an aversion to light.
Anshar: but. and this is important.
Anshar: as far as we in the community know, there are no "undead" vampires. these are characters in myth, nothing more. now I understand that may seem like a lie to you
Anshar: but hear me out
Anshar: there's more
Anshar: there are those who feed on energy, pranic energy.
Anshar: those people are known as pranic vampires, pranic feeders, the energy they feed on is known by many names
Anshar: odic force, prana
johnny_doe345: ah
Anshar: the suffusing spiritual energy of emotion, thought, and life
Anshar: but it is NOT the soul, or atma.
Anshar: I would "hope" that you would trust me on this. there is no such thing as an undead vampire to my knowledge. that is simply a fabrication of superstition and fear
johnny_doe345: oh god
Anshar: "vampires" have existed for a long time
Anshar: but they are people.
Anshar: not "creatures"
johnny_doe345: you mean the immortal type
Anshar: is that clear?
johnny_doe345: there are no mortal vampires
Anshar: there are no IMMORTAL vampires.
johnny_doe345: lucifer is also a vampire lycan demon hybrid
johnny_doe345: you just don't want to admit that there are real immortal vampires
Anshar: the idea of an immortal vampire is quite possibly the direct result of people fearing what they do not understand, and injecting that into myth and superstition.
johnny_doe345: there are also werewolves
johnny_doe345: people don't know anything about that
johnny_doe345: leave humans out of this
Anshar: I know that werewolves exist. but once again, not in the way that you think.
johnny_doe345: lol
johnny_doe345: what way then?
johnny_doe345: do you know about the secret war
johnny_doe345: in canada and us?
johnny_doe345: oregon and washington?
Anshar: there is no war between vampires and werewolves. I can prove it.
johnny_doe345: real immortal vampires and weres
Anshar: but I don't suppose you'll listen.
johnny_doe345: i just spoke to a lycan commander a few moments ago
johnny_doe345: he's real and immortal
Anshar: look, I'm here if you need to ask questions about the metaphysical. I'm here if you need help or counseling with your problems, I'm here if you just want to talk
Anshar: but the way this conversation is going, I'm beginning to wonder if I can help you.
johnny_doe345: if you can do some energy reading
johnny_doe345:
Anshar: *sighs*
Anshar: *shakes head* sorry. not getting anything.
johnny_doe345: sorry
johnny_doe345: wht do you usually read in someone?
johnny_doe345: when theyre close?
Anshar: it all depends on what I'm looking for
Anshar: sometimes its memories
Anshar: sometimes why they're feeling an emotion
johnny_doe345: the race?
Anshar: sometimes its simpler than that
Anshar: just direct impressions.
johnny_doe345: so do you know anyone who does a better job?
johnny_doe345: or can read from any distancE?
Anshar: I do. but I don't know you, and some of the things you've said kind of concern me. I would have to know you for a longer period of time before I'd even THINK about introducing you to any of my colleagues
johnny_doe345: and what powers do they have?
johnny_doe345: im bald
johnny_doe345: and i have vampire teeth in my true form
johnny_doe345: i mean before i possesed this body
johnny_doe345: can you see eyes?
Anshar: *sighs* I thought you were SEALED into that body
Anshar: you didn't possess it.
johnny_doe345: same thing
johnny_doe345: trust me
Anshar: no. its not.
johnny_doe345: he forced me
johnny_doe345: he forced me to possese it
Anshar: an angel FORCED you to possess someone
johnny_doe345: and sealed me in
Anshar: right.
johnny_doe345: yes peter the angel
johnny_doe345: don't remember how but he did it
Anshar: there is no Peter the angel. he was an apostle. not an angel.
johnny_doe345: not the apostle
johnny_doe345: there is also an angel
Anshar: the NAME peter comes from greek
Anshar: the angelic race PREDATES grecoroman civilization
Anshar: and only a specific number of angels were created
Anshar: there IS no angel peter.
johnny_doe345: lucifer is 95 trilion yaers old
Anshar: can't you understand that you're seeing things in a blurred way?
Anshar: you even admit your memories were tampered with
Anshar: why not relax a moment and consider what I'm saying?
johnny_doe345: thisn is not from my memories
johnny_doe345: a guy told me a lycan
johnny_doe345: a real immortal one
johnny_doe345: a guardian too
johnny_doe345: the son of lilith
johnny_doe345: the queen of demons
johnny_doe345: and the brother of vamprrya
johnny_doe345: the goddess of immortal vampires
Anshar: alright, alright, that's enough. I've been patient. I've tried.
Anshar: but if you're not going to listen, then I simply won't waste any more time on you.
johnny_doe345: nevermind that
Anshar: have a nice morning, and a nice life.
Anshar: good bye. |
|
|
| Anshar and Kishar |
[May. 4th, 2006|08:20 pm] |
Horizon
-by Anshar-
Light scatters across the heavens in languishing threads
The earth moist and fresh, deprecating warmth
The hand of idolatry rises from the flesh
The night dies, the day reborn
Chaliced tears fall from scarlet clouds
Mist rising to the sun
A solar arc, he tore apart
When the earth was undone
Simmering downward from way on high
His feet struck smoothly in the sand
Every print a song in part
From nature's reprimand
The birds drew quiet at this new dawn
A sun falling from the sky
The stars glinting knowingly that he was gone
And knew together, why
So pacing on the river banks
Across the hills and knolls
He looked upward in a kind of thanks
And set about his goals
He strode across the desert
To find his soul's demand
Living like a peasant
Along the new fallen sand
His journey took him through the swamps
Through wetlands and groves
He stared at the beauty as he stumbled through
Followed by flocks of crows
The ravens mocked him, with murderous intent
Raining judgement and ire
With piety the man simply strode onward
and followed his hearts desire
Years and years he walked, alone through the wastes
He trekked and fell, and suffered, dismayed
In secret dark places he couldn't reveal
His passion felt betrayed
He strode across volcanic rocks
That cut his feet and will
Floated over mountaintops
And felt his heart go still
And there up on a mountain peak
Dying, alone, afraid
His eyes cast down upon a valley
He felt his death.. delayed
And so he sauntered down that cliff
With careful step, he dared
Knowing that he could at least die
Seeing what was there
Walking finally in the valley
His eyes caught nothing odd
His head hung down he finally sighed
And gave his soul to God
As he rose into the sky
His mortal shell cast free
He glanced downward... as clouds drew nigh
And let his spirit see
The beauty cascaded, eloped with his reason
He looked in shock and smiled
The valley below held him in tow
And wanted him to stay a while
His passionate search had not been in vain
After casting off flesh and blood
His every footstep across hill, swamp, and plain
Had been in search of love
Now looking down with pith and moment
He finally realized...
His one true life had been below
He strode across her all that time
And now the sun and sky and stars all shone brightly from above
The Sky had finally found his queen
The earth... his joy... his love. |
|
|
| The Kiss |
[May. 4th, 2006|08:18 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  giddy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Wedding Bells | ] |
Her eyes fell upon his face, the darkness of form resounding in the chaotic void of the night; the raindrops catching every glimmer of the few bright pinpoints that found their way through the murky clouds. The gentle wind pulling them across his face with the delicacy of a silk sheet, caressing the form of his face with a gentle radiance, his eyes adust, smoldering, burning beneath the veil of night. Their eyes met, gazes dancing, circling one another like twirling dancers, dipping, spinning, caressing, their steps as methodical as the breath that peaked itself into swirling mists that rose from their lips in the frigid air. She stepped into him, the folds of his cloak encircling her, dancing like cobras, caressing her form.
Three times, they kissed. Once with their hair, the tresses intermeshing in the gentle wind, like lovers languishing, dancing, blending strand with strand, flowing like underwater ribbons, joined. Twice with their hands, searching, longing, his nails tracing flaming patterns across her jaw, her fingertips grasping silently into his shoulderblades. Thrice....
They met halfway, both pairs of lips softly settling into the other, slightly parted. Her arms slipped tighter around his shoulders as his hand traversed her spine, pulling her closer into the tender caress of his cloak. She yielded to him, allowing his tongue to part her lips, and she reponded. Her eyes, half-closed, burning like embers on a cool night became veiled and smoky as her body began to burn at his slight touch. Their tongues spoke a language unknown to many, and coveted by more. Caressing softly, he brushed a strand of hair from her face as the misty rain pattered the window, increasing in intensity.
As the rain drops grew larger and fell faster, the kiss flowed down a zealous path, both of them whispering to the other promises of untold passions and things to come through their movements. Her arms tightened around his shoulders as her breath quickened, the heat in her flesh quickly rising to near-boiling, as his silky caresses and slight touches continued along her back. Feeling him ignite these sensations within her excited and enthralled her, and she could only hope that this dance was being as thoroughly enjoyed as they kissed. Never before had she met a man who did this to her, and it gave room for her mind to wander through thoughts that brought color to her cheeks as she toyed with the idea of his fingertips on her bare flesh. Smiling under the kiss, she silently hoped that the promises he spoke to her with his lips would, perhaps, later come true.
May Every Kiss be like the First,
-Anshar |
|
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| The mighty list of needs..... |
[Nov. 20th, 2005|11:21 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | nerdy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Bears getting into the trash cans outside | ] |
Posted by Popular Request......
10 MUST HAVES for a friendship:
1 I need someone who respects my needs, limits, ideas, and me.
2 I need someone with compatible self interests and perspective.
3 I need someone who is willing to help me and receive my help.
4 I need someone who respects him or herself.
5 I need someone who can make me laugh and I enjoy spending time around.
6 I need someone who has the courage to tell me when I'm doing something wrong.
7 I need someone who shares interests with me and enjoys my company whilst doing them.
8 I need someone who is comfortable with who I am and is comfortable being themselves around me.
9 I need someone who can understand and relate to me.
10 I need someone I am comfortable sharing myself with.
10 MUST HAVES for a romantic relationship (besides them meeting friendship requirements):
1 I need someone who will be emotionally, socially, and financially independent of me and vice versa.
2 I need someone who is both sexually and sensually compatible with who I am.
3 I need someone who is faithful to me and will not betray me.
4 I need someone who is spiritually compatible with me.
5 I need someone who makes me feel attractive.
6 I need someone who is spontaneous and romantic.
7 I need someone who is not overtly jealous.
8 I need someone who is patient and understanding.
9 I need someone who will stand up for me and protect me.
10 I need someone who includes me in important decisions and has the same goals and priorities as me.
Too needy for ya? Take a fucking hike. :D
Till next time....
Oloth plynn dos.
-Anshar |
|
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| Updates... |
[Nov. 19th, 2005|02:37 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blank | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Korn - Thoughtless | ] |
My computer is on its way home to me, I called to verify with Brandon and Sharri. Very excited about that, slumming away on this Pentium 2 laptop has been hell. Actually been taking the time to enjoy playing Dungeons and Dragons again, though I can tell this will only be a brief stint. I've already tired of it to some extent, but my friend Jerry isn't quite done with the campaign I've set before him, so I'll stick it out long enough for him to enjoy himself, would be unfair of me to start him in a campaign and not finish it, so I'll hang in there for another few weeks for his benefit. After all, what are friends for? Found out that Joe (a person I've been in brief contact with since I met him in a chatroom) actually wrote about meeting me in his livejournal. That was a bit odd, I mean I knew that I had some kind of impact on him (I was hoping to) but to see him flay it all for his friends to see threw me a bit off. I mean, I'm glad to be noteworthy, but all of what I said to him was more for his personal benefit, and he took the liberty of pasting our entire conversation up in the open. I guess I should be flattered, but in some way that makes no sense, I'm insulted. After telling me that he'd wrote about me and adding me to his friends list he conveniently made himself scarce, no idea if his "emergency" was actually one or just a ploy to keep him from scrutinization after opening perhaps one too many doors. My mother is slowly but surely driving me insane. She talks incessantly, never stopping even when I leave the room. She'll start on some tangent and talk and talk and talk. I'll go outside for a smoke, come back inside, and she's still talking. She'll get up and go to the bathroom... still talking... with the door closed... and then come back out... wander into another room.. keep talking... walk outside the front door... still talking... It drives me batty. I was sure I was used to her insanity, her flagrant pathological lying, the manipulation, the incessant babbling, but I guess I just learned complacency after leaving home. Now that I've been forced to co-occupy a space with her its become more and more apparent that the hurricane that ousted me out of the south is now hell-bent on seeing if I pass the crazy mother litmus test. Hopefully I'll get some time to myself so I don't choke the fucking shit out of her, but only time will tell. Recently I went back into a computer enthusiast chatroom I haven't frequented for almost a year, of course, its as if I never left. The same doldrum infantile conversations revolving around sex and which graphics card doesn't suck. Sometimes I wish I was as simple minded as the "normal" people I encounter, it seems to me that life would be so much easier without the half-skewed perspective granted me by my intelligence. I suppose that that goes to show that an over-analytical mind can be a glorious thing. I took some time to find out what more is going on in the life of Dale, one of my really good friends from way back when, I felt really awful falling out of touch with him over the years, I mean the guy DID name his kid after me. Not having talked to him for so long feels like a dire insult I have no real way to correct. Life has indeed been hectic these last few years, but so hectic I can't spare 5 minutes for a phone call every month or so? I suppose not. Perhaps I just got a little too wrapped up in my own life, selfish bastard that I am. I've been investing a lot of time in helping and fixing people this last week or so, some of them take and seek advice readily, some need to be manipulated into doing what's right for themselves, ah, those are the fun ones, I enjoy a challenge. I realize now that I've spent entirely too much of my life on the internet, I can do a search on google for the different screen names I've used over the years and I get over 200 hits of nothing but me on each search. Sad? yes. True? yes. Soooo.... turkey day is soon approaching, and Krys is coming to stay with me, she'll leave on Sunday in the marvelous land of misery, and spend two days languishing in a greyhound. Don't I feel special? No idea how we'll occupy ourselves in this tiny trailer. I think Jerry may come by to rescue us once or twice, but other than that at least I'll have a cellmate. I have a feeling we're going to be having those fun 12 hour conversations with smoke break conversations at regular intervals. Should be fun. Hope I don't bore the pants off of her. Not that I like TV, but the stupid box is chock full of static now, and I've no idea if its the lines or the TV. I guess its just one more excuse to leave the damn thing off, but with my leg fucked up and my computer MIA for the time being, its been one thing I can use to distract myself from the painful melody of violin lessons coming in from the next room. Living with music teachers for the majority of my life, I've adapted to hearing 5 year old kids screeching twinkle twinkle little star in the next room while I try to bathe... do my homework... eat... watch tv... I guess I have a switch I can use to block it out, but maybe I've just tired of using it. If anything needs a mute button its my mother's mouth. I'll let you guys know if I can patent a mother-mute remote. You all will get friend's discounts :D Until the next time, this is Annie Ovaltine signing off, don't forget your decoder rings next week for a special super secret message from Annie...... |
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| Insanity as an ideosyncracy... |
[Nov. 14th, 2005|10:54 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  dirty | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Droning of the Idiot Box | ] |
Well, been having a fascinating time here in California. My mother's insanity is almost so normal to me now that it almost comes across as a personality quirk when I look at her. She tried getting me to gamble with her last night. Later on, that evening, I sugar-crashed and she had no idea what was going on. I swear she knows NOTHING about me, not even my most basic of medical conditions... flustering. Feh, I must sound like some angsty teenager complaining about my mom. Finally got Krys all set up, took me hours and hours of work, hopefully it'll be worth it and she'll take advantage of the opportunity. I just hope she remembers all the advice I've given her and makes the right choices. My computer, my baby, is finally on its way to me. I hope there's not a scratch on it. Been hell being without it. I guess that's it for now, short and sweet. I don't know many entries I'll make in the next month or so. Life is moving SOOOO slowly.
-Anshar |
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| God fucking damnit.... |
[Oct. 30th, 2005|01:58 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | cold | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The clattering of strange objects in this tiny fucking room | ] |
Well, I've arrived in California no worse for wear, but I've got to tell you folks, I don't know how long I'm going to last here. My mother has taken to living at her new boyfriend's house, so that means she has turned the "mobile dwelling" she usually stays at into what is essentially a storage unit with just enough space for her lessons. Its terribly cramped, and I feel like I'm imprisoned in a tiny tiny box. Staying here long enough for my surgery and physical recovery time alone is going to be very daunting, I'm hoping that I can mooch a place to stay off of Jerry or one of my other friends, because this is just fucking ridiculous. I know, I know, I'm bitching about a warm place to stay, even if its only 10'x5' its still a lot more than some folks have, but its been YEARS since I've had to depend on my mother for anything, and the woman drives me fucking insane. The moment I saw her at the baggage claim she has done nothing but talk incessantly, and every time I even make the effort to listen and perhaps parlay a bit with her, anything I've said is simply ignored and she continues with her loquacious filibustering. Its only the first day and I've already had to sit on my hands twice because the urge to choke the fucking life out of her is so overwhelming. I sit here, writing on a VERY dated pentium 2 laptop whose technology barely surpasses the dial up connection I'm slumming through to even get to the internet... I'm sure this is far from hell, but it feels close. Perhaps after I've escaped a bit to a friend or two's house and I can take a few walks mid-day to clear my mind it will all become more tolerable... I can only hope. To all the folks who left answering machine messages for me here, I apologize for not being able to make it to the phone, my mom took me straight to Harvey's (her new boyfriend's) house, not to her place, so if you missed me on the phone, entirely not my fault, please don't hate me. I suppose I'll be online at least so I'll be contactable by various messaging services, if you've forgotten them, I'll list them below...
MSN Messenger: AnsharDarkangel@hotmail.com
AOL Messenger: AnsharDark
Yahoo Msgr : AnsharDark
ICQ : 14162321
you can send email to either AnsharDarkangel@hotmail.com or anshar.seraphim@gmail.com as I check both. I'm not about to put my phone number here, but feel free to ask me for it online if you know me well enough to inquire, apparently ONE thing my mom DOES have is free long distance (US Only) and I think talking to people socially will most likely be the only thing that keeps me sane.
-Anshar |
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| Back to the land of sin... |
[Oct. 27th, 2005|10:03 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  aggravated | ] |
Thank godallfuckingmighty I will soon be leaving the liquid shit hell that is Missouri, and will be soon headed back to California, the opulent land of sin. I have suffered 4 long, tedious years listening to southern accents and jesus-speech throwing jackasses, putting up with people who don't have the common sense to fuck and have children, let alone try their hands at operating complex machines on the highway. I have borne witness to the evil that lives in the south, it was in the minds and the hearts of the hungry, dehydrated rednecks left in the wake of that hurricane. After 3 days of a crumpled, flooded bridge, a baking sun, and no fresh water or power, the true face of the south was revealed, not the kowtowing christians, full of themselves and their "generosity", but the skeezy, sweaty, arrogant, white supremacist fucktards who beat our neighbor over the head with a bat and took his generator. I can be sure that these same people were in church not two weeks before telling jesus how much they want that new cadillac at the dealership with thoughts of all the pussy they'd get at the next high school football game.... and my answer to it all is... have your fucking fun, I'm getting the fuck out of this goddamn part of the nation. Hell, I may even retreat out of the goddamn borders of this stupid, idiotic, social darwinistic bliss and make my way to Europe or Canada. I think I've just about had it, and if California has somehow slipped into this subtle insanity that I've found elsewhere, then my decision to leave will be final. I have no more reasons to persist in a place where I cannot flourish and grow, I surround myself with people who claim to understand me but take no real effort to find the part of me that is truly tangible and real, and my family makes me so goddamn sick that I have seriously considered hunting them all down with a fucking fully automatic weapon, just so I can be sure they stop breeding. I am just as base as those dirty fuckers in mississippi, but I won't take my rage out on the innocent, no I will take it out on the bastards that really deserve it. The common man in his thrift store 10 dollar suit and his little fucking racist kids, I'll drop them all off a goddamn bridge and incinerate their government subsidized housing.
...
hrm.
I mean. All is well. Jesus loves you. Please look away while I fuck this gentleman out of his retirement money. Oh. And I'll see you at church. |
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| Maelstrom's Embrace |
[Oct. 11th, 2005|02:57 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | quixotic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Bodhi Sattva - Steely Dan | ] |
Seething and burning
Boiling and churning
Body adust in albescent grace
Smoke roils and coils
Blood drips and boils
Across her sensuous face
Her sullen steps
and sultry hips
Flash incoherently, shimmering over a sky of sexual depravity
Dancing... in the ballroom of insanity
The music cascades
Her screams are played
Cacophonous instruments emblazoned on the heartstrings of immortals
We dance... in step
The music slows
and tension grows
a child's laughter grates the air with palpable disdain
Its plain... to suffer
Burn, yearn, boil, scream, writhe and dance for me you little bitch
Let my eyes fall like knives over your crumpled form
Cherish every touch, each salty tear, every burn, every scar, every bite
Because I will never touch you again |
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| READ THE GODDAMN ARTICLE |
[Oct. 6th, 2005|10:47 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | discontent | ] |
Ever stumble across something that you identify with so completely, and is so negative, that it almost feels as if you've been punched in the stomach? I have... when I read this. (my comments continue at the end... it goes without saying I didn't write this treatise on narcissism). I doubt many (lol or any) of you will take the time to read this, but if you do, here I am, all of me. Who would have thought that my entire personality and every shred of individuality that I thought I possessed could be classified and studied. *sigh* oh well, at least I have a decent singing voice.
(if you honestly give a shit, read the goddamn article asshats, its three pages, I can't promise to give you the 20 minutes of your life back, but I'd rather you read the article and understand what the fuck I'm talking about, then browse through my life like a goddamn flower garden, so make a choice)
http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php/type/doc/id/419
Good fucking god. This is me, all the ideations, the anger, the bitterness, the idealism, the fantasy, my phases of lying, distancing. Every piece of me is here, my crazy mother is here... clinical psychology has an amazing way of making us feel so small. We place so much emphasis on our individuality that when we observe a science built to catagorize and understand ourselves we can feel so minimalized, depressed. One thing I DIDN'T see in this article, verbose (and accurate) as it was... is a treatment! How do I fix it? Can I fix it? Is there a way to cope with it? Great, I get to be another countless sheep, plodding off to a shrink. In retrospect it makes sense, its easy to rationalize, the symptoms are practically undeniable. So now what? Am I broken? I've lived 25 years on this planet, bitter, insane, is there some solution? clarity? Is there a point to any of it?
If I can find happiness within the confines of my psychosis, is that enough? Do I need to retrain myself on an integumentary level? Will doing so "fix" me? If I find entrancement and happiness in a life of detached fantasy, is that wrong? At least I know what makes me happy... Drugs? Jesus.. what if they give me drugs?! How frightening, to have to take a chemical supplement for the rest of my life to try to cope, a chemical that goes against the self-image I've established, drugs that make me into someone other than who I am? Sure, I can rationalize, maybe on the drugs I'd be the person I'm "supposed" to be; but what does that even fucking mean? If there's a soul, it has to be defined by our self-image to some degree, the coherence of our energy, our thoughts, our feelings... is it something transitory? Most likely. I doubt that we retain any true shadow of "who we are" when we leave our earthly bodies. I doubt there's a cohesive afterlife, it makes no sense with what little we can understand of how energy works.. so what then? Can I rationalize drugs simply because it will make being who I am more bearable in the sense of accomplishing my goals? functioning? How important are those ideals anyway? Does my answer even count with the skewed sense of reality I've apparently established for myself?
Sigh, so many questions, not nearly enough answers. Its enough to provoke the response, but to respond? Doing so requires courage, of course, but is it a means to an end I'm actually after? Will forging some impetus in my life make it more liveable? less? I'm tired of this circular analytical bullshit. Sometimes I just wish I had an off-switch.
If you took the time to read all of this, bless you; if you just read my comments, then don't even bother leaving a comment yourself. If you can't take the time to read, then I don't see why I should. Fuck off.
-Anshar |
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ansharseraphim's journal